Today is a new day. Not so much poo and anxiety. silly youtube videos with the kids, Ingrid Michaelson music, some caffeine and kids unloaded to their father for a few hours give me strength to deal.

This is a fair visual of how i feel

Rough week. Tuesday night: witness near fatal freeway accident and assist badly wounded driver in the dark, down an embankment till PD and ambulance arrive, wednesday-friday: eldest boy's school is dealing with kids starting fires in bathroom trash cans during school and daily on-campus fights, youngest child has stopped doing any homework or school work stating he's stupid, and this morning my bedroom bathroom toilet backed up and flooded my bedroom. yes. fecal matter. on my bedroom floor, laundry, my favorite rug, under my bed... i'm overwhelmed and furious.

with all of this going on, i have managed to not dive into the frosted shredded wheat cereal, the candy and chocolate cake my dear, unassuming, non-sabotaging, friend randomly brought over to share. I'm actually not very hungry. Maybe it's the stench from the floor below. So pissed and still proud of myself for managing these issues and events without a murder occurring with either of my children in the midst of it all. cuz they're so understanding of these things. not.

When up isn't what I'm looking for.

The fucking scale at the YMCA is a vicious slut. It says I gained, yes GAINED 1. 9 lbs. What the hell? OK. Maybe my mean muscle mass is growing like a tumor. Or I'm PMS-ish. It's so hard to tell. I ventured to a new exercise room at the Y and rode an ass-numbing 30 minutes on "rolling hills". My right cheek is still twitching. The steam room is now my reward system. The more minutes I commit to sweating while moving = more minutes to sweat profusely while doing nothing. Delicious.

Today has been endlessly frustrating. Cancelled meetings, parent -teacher emergency meetings, listening to kids fighting. Ugh. I have been very mindful of my food intake, all organic, mostly odwalla super green drinks, salmon sushi, roasted seaweed, a banana, steamed vegetables, and vegetarian chow mein. I need to focus on drinking more water.

Night time is the hardest. Cereal is so alluring and comforting in dim light. I think I'll go do my mini-skin care routine to take me away from temptation.

here's a recent "Simpsonized photo" of me. this must change.

now i'm anxious

nutella sounds soooooo good right now. i went public. what was i thinking! squeeze eyes shut and exhale. go to bathroom and re-apply new moisturizer healthy skin stuff. notice fine lines being erased... slowly. go away nutella. shit.

What's the point?

hi. my name is sue and i'm tired of being out of attainable control. oh my. really? i've gotta take care of myself. no one else is gonna run up and make me healthier, happier, or able to wear clothes straight off the rack. God as my witness, if my talking about wanting to be all the above actually made those things come true I would be so OFF THE CHART and on Oprah as her regular guest. Now it's time to put my words and desires into action.

my kids are acceptably normal, not in crisis, the divorce is finalized and it's been 3 years since our split, my business is stabilized and growing, and it's time to move to the next level. Enough of depression and anxiety holding me hostage from living fully. I want to have happy joints and curves. and a date!!!! it's time.

I'm choosing to start/write this blog to help me be truly accountable to my goals. I read on the internet that if you do this all your goals will come true! Really! On Yahoo. So... I'm taking the plunge. I'm promising myself and those who follow my adventure to be accountable, truthful, and consistent with all of my updates and information. Oh god...

What are my goals?

healthy weight loss: Desired appropriate weight goal: 140 lbs. Todays actual weight (cringe...): 202.8 lbs.

time frame: 1 year

total weight loss goal: 58.2 lbs

life changing exercise plan: YMCA programs/gym 2-4 times a week; forever (I work better in organized group activities. my taibo boxing dvd's are now 4 years old and asthmatic with dust. never opened.)

new realistic anxiety/stress coping skills: binge eating isn't working for me. any suggestions?

accountability checker: Livestrong.com. lance armstrong's online health site. daily check in's, eating journal, exercise journal, calorie counter, etc. all the things that freak me out.

Are right, friends. Are you with me?